07.01.06 - 10:47 p.m.

while everyone's life seems to be deteriorating, i lay in bed after sleeping until 1:30 in the afternoon, wondering why it is all happening at once and i remind myself of the people whose lives are just starting, whose lives are exactly as they want. i have to remember the babies and happy people who i group together lovingly not condescendingly; enviously. we are on the phone and you say, "good luck to him!" and i think, "yes! good luck to him!" in a way different than yours because i haven't had the experience of loving then not (or not even loving in the first place depending on definition). the way we all keep up with each other. the tidbits we gather. i could leave a list here: deliriously content some of the time, debilitatingly depressed the rest; fancy underpantsed (which i am mentioning out of spite), owner of a zoetrope (also mentioning out of spite), learning not to hate technology, learning to learn things in my old (shut up) age, encouraging a friend to become a romance novelist, vowing to get out of the house more come february, shopping less and writing more. good stuff. stuff i'm not afraid to show people.