21.01.07 - 5:34 p.m.

i took a secret valium last night after hanging up the phone and crying for ten minutes, my personal limit. i am allowed five at a time according to an alert i saw by accident on the pharmacist's computer screen the last time i filled the secret prescription. do not dispense more than five diazepam at a time per dr. shaw it said, and i blushed.

i don't know that i can anymore, in honesty, label myself as someone who does not cry.

i felt this morning the same way i feel immediately after mistaking a stranger for o. it is a short chain reaction thereafter, of wanting him to see his doppelganger, of wanting him to see how terribly destroyed i am at the situation, of wanting him to laugh at me for being a baby.

and then, with a simple answer to a question about eating habits while cohabiting, i was convinced.