03.05.06 - 11:01 a.m.
The Occasional Diary Entries of German Director Werner Herzog
Dear Diary: Calisthenics, shower, and breakfast. Then I water the garden because it is dry. After the water I put fertilizer into the soil. I feel the flowers growing stronger the more I talk to them. Accidentally with my trowel I kill a flower. The world is chaos. I am unsuccessful at crying.
Dear Diary: Today my car is stolen from the driveway. I am not surprised.
Dear Diary: Work all day, a short break, and then dinner. Routines please me because they put order into the day; without order, there is chaos and violence. But for dinner I make a cheese sandwich and I hate it. I want to spit on it and see what it does. But I eat it anyway. Everyone dies, but for now I must live.
Dear Diary: Because my new film is coming into theaters, I am with a studio executive this evening for dinner. Outside the restaurant are trees with lights in the branches. This is popular in Los Angeles. Most people, I think, find them pretty. But all I can do is stare, all I can think of is the night I watched a family in Sri Lanka who lived in a tree-house burn to death. It is a moment for crying, but not for me. I remember watching the babies on fire and not crying. I proceed to coat-check.
The dinner specials include scallops. "I will have the scallops," I tell the waiter, and they are fine, they do not hurt me.
The executive asks if the new film is like Desperate Housewives, a TV program about women who enjoy sex. I have been raped by life many times. I think the waiter is shocked to hear this.
Dear Diary: When Klaus Kinski and I made Fitzcarraldo, I had trouble maintaining my composure. At one point I told Kinski I would shoot him if he did not cooperate. This comes to mind this evening because I buy a pound of spinach leaves for dinner, but when I cook the spinach, it reduces, and there is only enough for one serving. I have four guests. I should not be surprised, but I am.
Dear Diary: In the mornings I like to dress quickly. Today in my underpants I find a hundred dollar bill. I put it in the garbage.
Dear Diary: To pass time, I look through my old diaries. This entry is from my eighth year:
The classroom upsets me. None of the boys are nice to me, and one hits me in the face. I tell him, "You are hitting me, I must go," and I walk home, but I do not pity myself. They will die, too.
Dear Diary: I have a cellular phone plan that includes "whenever minutes." This is a chuckle to me, because no minutes are "whenever"�they are precisely now, and in fact they are already gone.
Dear Diary: My girlfriend calls and asks me to a coffee. Her first name is Thea. I do not know her last name. She does not arrive. The gentleman in the shop puts cream in the coffee even when I say I do not want the cream. I order a sandwich and they give me a chocolate. This is beautiful to me, this chaos in the Starbucks. All is well.
Dear Diary: My sister Hedda is a kindergarten teacher near my house. She calls me because she is sick with the flu�but not so bad that she will die, yet�and asks me to be the teacher in her place.
I consent. I enjoy being around children. Children are not dishonest and we have a very happy day together. During our snack time is when we have our conversations. Hopefully I do not fail them.
CHILD: What is paper made of?
HERZOG (ME): I do not know.
CHILD: I have a dog and a cat named Sabrina, my sister's name is Sabrina too but she's not a cat.
HERZOG: Is the cat named after the sister?
CHILD: No.
HERZOG: Is the sister named after the cat?
CHILD: No.
HERZOG: How old is the sister?
CHILD: I'm five.
HERZOG: You can die at any age.
CHILD: Pickles is my dog.
HERZOG: Who is Pickles named after?
CHILD: Cheese goes on the cracker!
HERZOG: I am named after nothing.
CHILD: Cheese goes on the cracker!
CHILD: How many cars fit on a plane?
HERZOG: None.
CHILD: Why?
HERZOG: It is a trick question. You are trying to deceive me.
CHILD: Why do I have to give Michael back his hat?
HERZOG: Because it is his. Give it to him.
CHILD: But it's mine.
HERZOG: Then do not give it to him. Keep it. No one cares.
CHILD: Where's teacher?
HERZOG: If there is a God, even he does not care, but there is not a God.
CHILD: Why do I have to eat the cracker?
HERZOG: You do not have to eat the cracker.
CHILD: Teacher makes us eat the crackers.
HERZOG: I am not Teacher, I am Herzog.
CHILD: I hate crackers.
HERZOG. Herzog hates crackers too.
Dear Diary: This is another old diary entry, from university years:
My new girlfriend's name is Elvsted. That is her family name. I do not know her first name. I ask her to the toffee shop this afternoon and she does not meet me. I order a chocolate. Instead they serve me a sandwich. All is well.
Dear Diary: In the mall I pass a clothing store. A colorful T-shirt is on a mannequin in the window. The message on the T-shirt says "No Fear." I break through the window with my hands and shred the T-shirt into pieces. I am not being made fun of by this clothing.