28.07.08 - 6:49 p.m.

i had a quarter of a pill yesterday evening, took some deep breaths and got on with it. nobody seemed particularly proud of my valiant efforts; only my brother would, and my brother lay dying as my brother does whenever he lies down.

i can't do this on the tip of my tongue for a month, and meaning lots of thises. all of them.

there are words i hate with such vehemence in this book. unavoidable, though as they are nouns. essential but ugly. i'm having trouble getting over that.