08.07.05 - 3:46 p.m.

it's hard for me to decide whether i'm being sentimental or avoidant or genuinely attached, making lists of things i can't imagine doing: taking off my wedding rings; splitting up our belongings (who would get the organ? the movies? the china we never use? the shell-bird lysa gave as a wedding present or the silver percolator from brenden and liz? the art that's signed to both of us from jordan, souther, saelee?); sleeping in different sheets because the horses are ours, screened by hand one at a time; having anything but an aqua-colored bedroom.

i still want a baby with crazy black hair and deep-set brown eyes (i've given up hope that my recessive blue will somehow pull through), but if she grew up in the household i'm keeping now, she'd turn out just like her mum.